What to Say or Not Say to Someone with an Eating Disorder
It is estimated that 30 million Americans will have an eating disorder at some point in their lifetime and that 8 million currently have an eating disorder. The likelihood of knowing someone with an eating disorder, whether you are aware of it or not, is relatively high. Finding the right things to say to someone who is, or may be, struggling with an eating disorder can be difficult and intimidating without proper knowledge and resources.
by: Amanda Nussbaum
Recovering from an eating disorder requires the support of a specialized team of eating disorder professionals. While a treatment team is essential for a successful recovery, it is equally as important for those in recovery to have a support system outside of a medical environment to assist them in their treatment. While trained eating disorder specialists are educated on the complexity of eating disorders, many who are not familiar with these disorders may be under the misconception that they are merely a result of food-insecurity or a lack of willpower. It is imperative for individuals in a support system to educate themselves on the eating disorder in question to avoid saying the wrong things and potentially perpetuating eating disorder behaviors. Those with eating disorders who have a solid support system have more positive treatment outcomes than those without.
Friends, family members, coworkers, classmates, and teachers should be involved in the support system of an individual with an eating disorder due to their proximity to them and their understanding of the person’s interests and personality. The support system may be better able to recognize fluctuations in the individual’s mood, eating and exercise habits, performance in school, extracurricular activities, or behavior in social settings. However, many may not understand that limiting food intake, overeating, or purging can be used by a person with an eating disorder to cope with difficult emotions or trauma. The support system should be proactive and initiate conversation to address any concerns and encourage their loved one to seek help when troubling behavior is detected.
Some of the most effective ways a person can assist someone recovering from an eating disorder is by providing them with someone to talk to, supporting them during meals and other difficult situations, and helping them establish healthy coping mechanisms. A support person can gain trust by showing compassion, empathy, availability, and patience. Concerned friends and family members should educate themselves on eating disorders in order to avoid perpetuating the stigmas surrounding them. Once those in the support system find the right time and place to speak, it is more beneficial for them to be specific and use “I” statements instead of beginning sentences with “you.” By starting a discussion this way, along with asking questions, it will not sound accusatory and gives the person struggling a chance to speak.
Although it is important to be firm when speaking about eating disorders, people may be more open to a conversation if those initiating the exchange are gentle, supportive, non-judgmental, and take time to listen. Those struggling may also feel more at ease if they are reassured that their struggles are acknowledged and valid, if they know that people are there for them, and are reminded that their worth is not determined by food or weight.
Although friends and family members often have good intentions, they may unintentionally share things that are sensitive or triggering and may actually encourage eating disorder behaviors. Eating disorders are complex mental illnesses that are not caused exclusively by dieting or a lack of self-control, so asking for diet advice or commending self-discipline or willpower is incredibly counterproductive and harmful to those in recovery. People may misinterpret these remarks as compliments and believe that their eating disorder habits are positive. Similarly, people should never offer simple, blanket solutions such as urging someone to “just eat” or simply “accept their body.” Such comments, along with telling someone that they don’t fit the eating disorder stereotype, may reinforce the belief that their struggles are not legitimate or that they are not sick enough for treatment.
For someone with an eating disorder, even something as simple as talking about food can induce anxiety or fear, particularly during mealtimes. People should try to avoid conversations about food altogether. Eating with other people can be challenging, and such comments may cause those in recovery to feel guilty for eating certain foods. Conversations should not revolve around criticisms relating to calories, portions, weight, appearance, or numbers. It is also important to avoid labeling foods as “good or bad” as this can lead people to believe that some foods are safer to eat than others.
Although many may consider comments such as, “you are looking healthier than ever,” or, “you look great,” to be complimentary, these observations can actually do the opposite. According to the Center for Discovery, clients with eating disorders may not view these comments as positive or respectful affirmations. Instead, these statements may induce negative body-thoughts and self-deprecating comparisons. Additionally, stating that a person appears “unhealthy” or “sick” can also be detrimental, as individuals with eating disorders often associate the word ‘unhealthy’ with thinness and they may feel encouraged in their disordered behaviors. Conversations involving food, weight, and appearance can have a negative impact on one’s eating disorder recovery and also their relationships with others.
Treating an eating disorder can be an intimidating, confusing process that may stir up many emotions at any stage of recovery. Although people will greatly benefit from surrounding themselves with an empathetic and gentle support system, the individuals struggling must decide for themselves to overcome their disordered eating and exercise behaviors, as their recovery will not be as effective if they are pressured into treatment. It is important to emphasize the characteristics that make them special without referencing food, exercise, or weight. It can go a long way for someone in recovery to feel comfortable having an open conversation about their feelings and experiences without being fearful that they will get in trouble or be given an ultimatum. If family members and friends are encouraging, benevolent, and sensitive through listening as well as being present for their loved one without judgment, they can bring a lot of comfort to someone overcoming an eating disorder.
At BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, we offer a Supporting a Loved One Group to provide support and education for family members and support persons of our clients and help them foster a deeper understanding of eating disorders and the recovery process. This group provides an opportunity for parents, spouses, partners, and friends to connect with the loved ones of others struggling with eating disorders, and receive their own support as well as discuss the challenges and successes encountered in the process of their loved one's recovery. Our Admissions Team would be glad to answer any questions you may have regarding our Supporting A Loved One group. Click the button below to contact us!
This post was written by BALANCE Blog Intern, Amanda Nussbaum.
Amanda is a recent graduate of Ramapo College, where she majored in Business Administration with a concentration in Marketing. She enjoys being creative, writing, and editing videos, and is passionate about health, wellness, and lifestyle. Throughout college, Amanda volunteered with the Girls on the Run organization, which helps young girls develop a positive self-esteem. She also mentored a young girl through Ramapo College’s chapter of Big Brother, Big Sister. Amanda’s involvement in these organizations helped her realize that she wants to work for a company that has an impact on others, while still being creative with marketing. In the future, Amanda hopes to work in the marketing or communications department of an organization that focuses on teenagers and young adults, and their health and self-confidence. She enjoys contributing to the BALANCE blog!