Dealing With a Feeling of Identity Loss in Eating Disorder Recovery
Eating disorder recovery is much more extensive than just re-learning how to physically nourish your body. While guilt surrounding food, body image, and exercise are all mentally exhausting, another significant source of discomfort in recovery can be the sense of identity loss that many individuals experience.
By: Samreen Khan
Many fear that recovering from their eating disorder means they will lose a part of themselves. If you feel lost in recovery or feel like you are losing your sense of self, you are not alone. Although it can feel scary and confusing, it signifies a brighter future ahead.
Eating disorders are all-consuming illnesses. Of course, they affect every person differently; for some, it can be feasible to tend to external responsibilities even in the depths of their disorder, and for others, it can be impossible to focus on anything else. In both cases, however, eating disorders play a prominent role in the sufferer’s life and may consequently feel like a part of their personality or identity. It can be a source of pride for some and a source of shame for others, but regardless of how one perceives their eating disorder, it is hardly easy to let go of.
Dealing with an eating disorder is so draining that you may notice you lost passion for many of your hobbies and interests in the midst of it. Whether it is due to mental exhaustion and demotivation, physical exhaustion and fatigue, or anything in between, these illnesses have a way of sucking the life out of you. It can be terrifying to begin recovery when you have known this reality for so long. By hogging all your attention, your eating disorder leeches the joy out of previously important aspects of your life, centering your existence around your illness.
And eating disorders are illnesses, after all, so let’s take a look at a different kind of illness. For example, the biological makeup of a pathogenic virus involves a protein coat and a bundle of genetic material. For this reason, viruses cannot survive without latching onto a host organism, so they alter the genetic material inside human cells to take over and infect the cell. Eating disorders operate similarly; the eating disorder is not a living, sentient being. It can be seen as an infectious agent inhibiting your functioning and fulfillment by feeding you notorious ideals, but at the end of the day, you are your own person. You are just like that human cell, and just as cells are made up of various cellular structures, your identity consists of many different aspects. One specific aspect having extensive influence over your thoughts and your life does not detract from other facets. The eating disorder is a part of your life, and it has shaped you in ways that any obstacle or lived experience inevitably will. But you are so much more than just an eating disorder.
If anything, this time serves as a chance for you to rediscover your passions and redefine who you want to be. Consider hobbies you enjoyed in the past; often, rekindling your inner child and engaging in activities your younger self enjoyed can be grounding and revitalizing in your journey to unearth your identity. What was your eating disorder numbing out from your life? What underlying insecurities or burdens do you carry that the eating disorder served as a distraction or coping mechanism against? What affected you as a child that may have impacted your struggles later on in life? As children, we understand our authentic wants and needs through our personal lens instead of a lens modified by societal ideals, which is why revisiting your childhood can be effective in discovering who you are or used to be at your core. Build on that by engaging in new hobbies and exploring things that intrigue you.
Through recovery, you will end up cultivating a much deeper and more understanding relationship with yourself. At first, it can feel like recovery means losing a part of your identity, but, in reality, recovery allows you to discover so many riveting components of yourself. It will enable you to explore who you are and rewire your brain into a healthier mindset. The experiences you encounter in recovery will eventually help you uncover who you are without your eating disorder. In due time, you can learn to exist without your eating disorder.
At BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, our compassionate, highly skilled team of clinicians is trained in diagnosing and treating the spectrum of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, and other disordered eating behaviors and body image issues. In addition to our full-time Day Treatment Program and Weeknight Intensive Outpatient Program, we offer high-quality programming, nutrition counseling with a licensed dietitian, meal support, and various other groups and resources to help those seeking help for food concerns.
Our admissions team would be happy to answer any questions you may have about our programs and services. Book a free consultation call with our admissions team below, or read more about our philosophy here.
This post was written by BALANCE Blog Contributor, Samreen Khan (she/her/he/him).
Samreen is a senior high school student with an ardent drive to de-stigmatize mental illness and eating disorders. Born and raised in the Bay Area, she experienced the harmful effects of “fitspo” culture firsthand for most of her childhood. Throughout her own recovery journey, she became passionate about deconstructing diet culture and raising awareness about eating disorders in her everyday life. Samreen began extending her own ideology of intuitive eating and body neutrality to others by publishing her own writing online when she was fourteen, and has since received several awards for her prose and poetry. She has conducted research on the biological and evolutionary implications of familial mental illness, and is currently taking college-level Sociology and Psychology courses with hopes to delve further into the social and cultural constructs that bolster disordered eating, especially within marginalized communities. She’s grateful for the opportunity to combine two of her strongest passions — writing and mental health — by working with BALANCE!