You, a Loved One, and an Eating Disorder
Eating disorders are not restricted to only affecting one’s relationship with food. For anyone who has a significant other with an eating disorder, you may notice your partner’s illness creating obstacles within your relationship. The reality is that eating disorders overwhelm almost every aspect of one’s life, including relationships with people around them.
By: Samreen Khan
Eating disorders thrive in secrecy. Relationships, on the other hand, do not. A healthy relationship requires a level of vulnerability and honesty that often feels impossible to reach for someone suffering from an eating disorder. If you are in a relationship with someone with an eating disorder, there are likely many things they keep hidden from you.
This does not necessarily mean they do not trust you; it is difficult to open up about an eating disorder, especially to someone who has never dealt with one before. Fear of being misunderstood or shamed is often a factor in this hesitation to truly open up. Combatting this is not easy. It may be frustrating to feel an unbalanced level of trust within a relationship that should be equal. Initiating open communication and reassuring them that they can confide in you without judgment can be an encouraging first step when overcoming this struggle.
Body image issues related to an eating disorder can also affect relationships. Many people harbor the misconception that people with eating disorders judge the bodies of others as they judge their own. However, their body image issues do not extend to you.
Eating disorders can often get in the way of physical intimacy. Many partners may feel insecure because their significant other will shy away from sex or casual touches. It may be difficult for your partner with an eating disorder to be vulnerable or be in the moment. This does not make them vain; eating disorders are mental illnesses that can completely reconstruct how someone views their body.
When someone struggles with an eating disorder, it can feel easier to isolate themselves from others than to maintain their relationships. They often feel like a burden on their loved ones or think nobody wants to have them around. Most social events also involve food in some way, whether it is popcorn at the movie theater or a cappuccino on a coffee date, and this can be incredibly anxiety-inducing.
Communication is vital in any relationship, and it does not differ when your partner has an eating disorder. Each person’s experience is unique, so encouraging them to talk to you is the best way to ensure healthy relationships. It does not always have to be direct; opening up to them about your struggles can make them feel comfortable sharing their hardships. At the same time, educating yourself about eating disorders and unlearning the stereotypes surrounding them will allow you to be sensitive to your partner’s feelings. Here are some general rules of thumb they will appreciate you knowing:
Appearance is a touchy topic, and while your intentions may be positive, comments on how they look are usually more harmful than helpful. Eating disorders can twist compliments as simple as “You look healthy!” into a negative light.
Their eating disorder is not just about food or weight. It is a mental illness. Recovery is much more complicated than “just eating.”
Although some choices may appear straightforward to you, having an eating disorder distorts one’s view of life incredibly complexly. You may not understand many of their decisions or thought processes because you are not accustomed to thinking the way they do, but shaming them for this is the opposite of helpful.
You cannot “cure” your partner’s eating disorder. They are not a problem for you to fix.
You can encourage them to seek help – even if they do not listen at first, a common barrier blocking individuals with eating disorders from pursuing recovery is the idea that they are not “sick enough” for treatment. Coaxing from others can help them realize they are worthy of healing at any point in their struggle.
Watching a loved one suffer from this illness is no easy feat, either. Just as your partner needs support, you may also need extra support, so do not be afraid to reach out for help yourself. There are many support groups where friends and family of individuals with eating disorders can process their emotions and obtain new tools to help their loved ones through their journeys. Make sure to adhere to each other’s boundaries, and take care of yourself and your partner. Although you are not responsible for healing your partner, having a hand to hold while approaching the intimidating road to recovery is a comfort that can make their journey more bearable.
At BALANCE eating disorder treatment center™, our compassionate, highly skilled team of clinicians is trained in diagnosing and treating the spectrum of eating disorders, including anorexia, bulimia, binge eating disorder, compulsive overeating, and other disordered eating and body image issues. Join us on Friday, February 24th, at 12:15 pm EST for a Relationships and Eating Disorders: Everything You Need to Know Instagram Live with BALANCE Program Therapist Zoe Cohen, LMSW (she/her).
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This post was written by BALANCE Blog Contributor, Samreen Khan (she/her/he/him).
Samreen is a high school graduate with an ardent drive to de-stigmatize mental illness and eating disorders. Born and raised in the Bay Area, she experienced the harmful effects of “fitspo” culture firsthand for most of her childhood. Throughout her own recovery journey, she became passionate about deconstructing diet culture and raising awareness about eating disorders in her everyday life. Samreen began extending her own ideology of intuitive eating and body neutrality to others by publishing her own writing online when she was fourteen, and has since received several awards for her prose and poetry. She has conducted research on the biological and evolutionary implications of familial mental illness, and is currently taking college-level Sociology and Psychology courses with hopes to delve further into the social and cultural constructs that bolster disordered eating, especially within marginalized communities. She’s grateful for the opportunity to combine two of her strongest passions — writing and mental health — by working with BALANCE!