What To Do When You Feel Shame from Binge Eating: A Step-by-Step Guide
Many people experience the shame of “out-of-control” eating. And often, when you are struggling, the cycle repeats itself, even if you don’t realize it. You may feel like you lack any semblance of willpower, and you may even feel like a bad person. Although it may not be deserved, what you are feeling is shame.
By: Alana Van Der Sluys
If you experience binge eating or any disordered eating behaviors, give yourself compassion. Struggling with food and body distress can be isolating and overwhelming. Keep reading for some tips on how to navigate these feelings.
Vulnerability researcher Brene Brown defines shame as an “intensely painful feeling or experience of believing that we are flawed and therefore unworthy of love and belonging.” Guilt, however, is simply feeling negative about an isolated experience; so while guilt is, “I did a bad thing,” shame is, “I am bad.”
Many of us experience shame regarding our bodies, weight, and food. We think we are broken or wrong for looking the way we do, for eating behaviors, and for thinness not coming effortlessly to us the way we see it (falsely) portrayed in the media.
You may have asked, “What do I do when I feel shame? How do I rid myself of shame?” The question sounds simple, but ridding ourselves of shame is a systemic process within ourselves and society. Eradicating shame for ourselves requires dismantling old beliefs about ourselves and creating new neural pathways with kinder, more compassionate, or even more neutral messaging about what our “mistakes” mean.
But how do you begin that process? Many people want steps and concrete ways to rid themselves of the deep shame they feel on this messy, nonlinear journey we call recovery. So, here are a few steps you can go through when you feel shame.
Identify The Feeling As Shame.
Identifying a feeling helps make it more concrete. The less abstract an emotion is, the more we feel confident in doing something in response to it. Saying “This is shame” does wonders in calling out the feeling and creating a neutral statement around it.
Remember That Shame Is Not A Useful Emotion.
We cannot learn anything from shame. With other negative emotions, you can reason that you have done something you are not proud of and can move toward learning from your experience. However, the feeling of shame leaves no room for growth or change. Remind yourself of this to help you move forward with awareness.
Identify and Write Down The Thoughts Creating the Shame.
What thoughts are bringing you to this heavy feeling? Try writing your thoughts down on paper, like a brain dump or ‘thought download.’ Do not hold back or judge what comes up. The more honest they are, the more honestly you can deal with them.
Challenge The Facts Of Those Thoughts.
Are the critical thoughts you have about yourself accurate? They may feel true, as do most of our thoughts because we’ve been thinking about them for so long. But would a lawyer be able to prove that statement in court? Are you someone who has no willpower? Our brains tend to over-dramatize and overgeneralize statements when we’re in a heightened emotional state. So, it is crucial to determine what is true and what is fueled by all your feelings.
Remind Yourself That Mistakes Are Part of the Human Condition.
As humans, we are going to make mistakes. Having both positive and negative experiences and emotions is part of the human condition. Nothing in the contract of life says we’re guaranteed happiness and ease in our earthly journeys. We must learn to process negative experiences better, take them as part of the deal, and not sweep them under the rug. It is normal to struggle, and you are not alone.
Show Yourself Compassion the Way You Would a Loved One.
Would you say these things to a friend or a child? Of course not! You have compassion and empathy but rarely extend those courtesies to yourself. Many people fear that if they are compassionate and gentle with themselves, they will never change how they want to and become complacent; that’s just not true. It’s much easier to feel positive when you support yourself, not tear yourself down.
Identify Lessons Learned.
Okay, so you “messed up.” I use quotes because, quite honestly, bingeing or other disordered eating behaviors aren’t mistakes. They are ways of coping. Try to find gratitude for your coping, and then explore different coping methods next time. What did you learn from what experience? Did you learn how physically uncomfortable it makes you? Did you recognize the unhelpful thoughts you had? Did you realize that the binge came directly after restriction (and always does)? If you learn even one small thing from the event, it’s a success in the long term.
Try Again.
Those who are the most successful are only that way because they failed and got back up repeatedly. That is what separates the successful from the unsuccessful. It is not intelligence, thinness, youth, money, or luck; it’s the ability not to let our failures define us and to persevere regardless of how often it happens.
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This post was written by BALANCE Blog Contributor, Alana Van Der Sluys (she/her).
Alana Van Der Sluys is a TedX speaker, entrepreneur, author, Certified Intuitive Eating Counselor and the founder of Freedom with Food and Fitness. As a personal survivor of eating disorders, she is dedicated to empowering women to heal their relationship with food and their bodies to step into their potential, take up space, and improve their lives. Her debut book, Freedom with Food and Fitness: How Intuitive Eating is the Key to Becoming Your Happiest, Happiest Self, releases on November 7, 2023 with Urano World USA, Inc. She is a contributing writer for several national publications, including the National Eating Disorder Information Centre (NEDIC) and Best Holistic Life Magazine. She was, most recently, a panelist and speaker for the Speak Up Women’s Conference in April 2023.